Denise.

01 May, 2012

I have had myself thinking about letters recently… How letters are a written way to convey how you really feel, the written letter is a different mode to the spoken word. Taking this characterisation of your decision to express emotions, I find, due to personal experience, written letters have a lot more thought and conviction to them. In thoughts, and in conversation, the actions are subjective, and they are immediately thought and said, with no pattern of thought or real ideas behind the words being said. Anyone can whack some words together, and make someone smile for a small amount of time. However much an individual wishes to think that memories don’t fade - They do, memories fade, and words are forgotten. Words being said are ephemeral, they will eventually be forgotten. However, the written letter captures real thought, and effort. It really shows the recepient how the sender is really feeling, it opens a porthole, people like to hide behind masks, so that others do not find their emotions, and so a “heart on the sleeve” effect is not portayed. In doing this, the feeling of rejection isn’t as scary as the feeling of rejection when you tell someone how you feel to their face, and nothing is said in return.
We’re a funny race, humans. We spend years and years finding someone that we can feel completely whole around, someone to “fit the missing piece” in their heart. Someone to trust, completely in  every single way possible, and to be completely real, nothing fake, no lies, no secrets, just a complete feeling of love. Of loving and being loved in return. So, why is it there are so many couples that I see, and that I witness that do not tell each other everything? If you love someone as much as you write all over Facebook, and all over Tumblr, or whatever, you shouldn’t be telling the world your feelings, if you’re feeling low, or unloved, or unwanted - You need to just tell that person, for crying out loud. Stop trying to hide behind a mask with the one person you’re supposed to be yourself with, at the end of the day, if you let down your guard and they don’t like what they see, they clearly aren’t worth the effort.
At some point, you’ll meet someone who will just blow your fucking mind, and they will make you laugh, and make you smile, and just make you feel incredible all the time. They will give you the motivation to keep going, and to really keep your passion of the things that you love the most. And when you find that person, do everything you can to keep them around, because once you’ve lost them, well - Not everyone will be as lucky as me and get them back. So, just open up to them. Stop writing your letters, sit them down, and just tell them exactly how you feel, open up to them. Show them a side to you that you have never shown anyone else, let them know you like no one else knows you, better than you know yourself in fact.
I’m just having a rant at couples that don’t know what they’re doing. I mean, I have no idea. I never thought I’d do that whole, falling in love thing. But, I mean - If you just chill the fuck out, and let it happen like I have, you’ll be fine. Because I am the happiest I have ever been at the moment with the most amazing guy that understands, loves, and looks after me.
And if you’re single, DON’T WORRY! To be honest, it’s better not to sift through the bullshit guys to find a good one, just stop looking, once you stop looking, someone will come along. Don’t get het up, and insecure, guys like a confident girl. Be everything you can be, and never change. If a guy likes you for you, they aren’t going to like you as anyone else.
I have hit many points, I was meant to talk about letters, but my structure of shit is just fucking appauling. So, I’m going to leave it at that, I hope that I have helped in some small way, for anyone. Because, I wish that there was someone like me, reeling out random, never asked for advice on a social networking site in my hardest time of my life. So, whatever. I’m off.

I need:- To learn to drive, to start looking at universities, and to CONTINUE being happy. Haha. I haven’t bee this happy in a long time, I got my Spink back. I have missed her terribly. And, I am now single, and it feels good. I can do what I want when I want knowing no fucker can get funny at me. Jesus it’s fun. 
Deaf Havana are the band of the weekend I can happily say, and I have a lot of time for this. Can’t wait to get my e-mail fro The X Factor. Stardom? Paha!
Who cares, this year started off wank, but I am going to make it mine. Ha! 

I see all over tumblr posts that girls hate the way they look, and the think they’re fat etc. I thought these things about myself. But, I found an amazing guy who loves me for exactly those reasons. Now, I don’t feel insecure, because he thinks I’m beautiful and he wouldn’t have me any other way.
So, stop feeling insecure - You’ll find someone that makes you feel incredible.

So, fuck off moaning. 

it’s the fact you don’t even know you do it…
but you hurt me on a regular basis. 

time to go to bed, and forget about how lonely i am right now. i’m a fucking homo.

Yeah, this is when I need my boyfriend here…

i’m in one of those moods where i feel unwanted, unloved, and alone. erugh.

1.How are you? Fragile.

3.Do you ever wish you were someone else? Sometimes.

4.What is your entire name? Paige Denise Elizabeth De Roeper.

5.How old are you? I am sixteen.

6.Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality: Cancer… I have never read the description.

7.What did you do on your last birthday? I went to NASS.

8.What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday? I want to got NASS again.

9.What is your hair color? Brown, but right now it’s red.

10.Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, many times.

11.What is your eye color? Green.

12.If you could change your eye color, would you? I would make them brighter.

13.Do you wear contacts/glasses? Glasses, yes.

14.Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it: I believe I am very very chubby. And I am not comfortable with my body.

15.Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body?
I would have a boob reduction, liposuction, and a cellulite reduction. 

16.Say 8 facts about your body: 

a) I have a very small nose.
b) I have over sized booooooobies.
c) My legs look a million times better in black tights.
d) I have the smallest hands/feet in the world.

e) My eyes change colour depending on my mood.

f) When my pupils are big I look like a cat.

g) My lungs are fuckkkked, so’s my liver.

h) My ankle and knees click - All the time. 

17.Do you have any tattoos? Nope.

18.Do you have any piercings? I have my lip pierced.

19.Left or right handed? Right handed.

20.Do you drink? Heavily.

21.Do you smoke? Heavily.

22.Do you have any pets? One, a dog called Maximus.

23.Do you have any “rules” about food? Eating’s cheating. No I’m totally joking. I do not have any rules about food.

24.What talent do you wish you’d been born with? I wish I could sing, like amazingly.

25.Are you a bad person? I don’t like to think so.

26.Are you nice to everyone? No.

27.Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Yes.

28.Share 2 habits: I play with my hair all the time, and I swear all the time also.

29.What is your ideal career? Singer. Or, English teacher.

30.Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Not in the slightest.

31.Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yes. Overtime. 

32.Say 10 facts about your room:
a) My boyfriend has drawn on the wall.
b) It has a guitar in it, with no strings.
c) It has flowers in it, from my wonderful boyfriend.
d) There are too many cups up here. Mainly from my boyfriend’s cups of tea.
e) There is a Robert Pattinson poster on the wall.
f) You cannot see the floor, from clothes and college work.
g)There are too many books, scattered everywhere.
h) It’s really small.
i) It’s really boring.
j) I have a single bed. 

33.Do you have any phobias? Yes. I am scared of the dark, of being alone, of falling in love, of not feeling good enough, extreme heights, extreme speeds.

34.Ever broken any bones? Yes. My Elbow.

35.Share something about yourself others might think is weird: My fingers can bend back … Like, really far.

36.Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this? No.

37. quote you try to live by: “My candle burns at both ends, it will not last the night. But ah my foes and oh my friends it gives a lovely light.”

38.What’s your favorite band/singer? Alexisonfire/Dallas Green.

39.Dogs or cats? Dogs and cats.

40.What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? I want to live in London, New York, Boston, Dallas, Australia, Canada, Sweden.

41.What are four things you can’t live without and why? My boyfriend, because he makes me feel good about myself and is always there when I need him to help me through things. He’s amazing and I love him. I’d die without him. Music, because it really makes everything seem a lot easier, with situations and it can make you feel different emotions depending on the genre. My family, because they have been there my entire life, and I love them endlessly. My phone & iPod, because they have everything on them. Even my work. Literature - I love reading, poems, books anything like that. It keeps me sane, and it is something I could and intend to do for the rest of my life.

42.Are you more like your mom or your dad? Hmm. I am like my Dad in the sense of my anger and hot headedness, but I am also like my Mum with my ability to listen, and give advice well. And I have a very motherly tone to me. Haha.

43.Do you have any siblings? Yes, I have three.

44.Are you going out of town soon? I will be going to Ilminster or Chard this weekend maybe?

45.Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yes.

46.Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Kit, Shannon, Jenny, Nathan….

47.Who is your most loyal friend? Shannon.

48.Have you ever felt replaced? Yes. For sure, I still feel replaced now.

49.Do you ever want to get married? I like to think that one day I will be married.

50.Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I don’t think so. Maybe engaged?

51.Do you get jealous easily? Yes.

52.Do you like to dance? On my own. To Whitney Houston I wanna dance with somebody. When no one is watching. Haha.

53.What was the first concert/show you attended? Biffy Clyro?

54.You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done? I am getting a feather on my forearm.

55.You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to? I would give it to my mother.

56.What is the first curse word that comes to mind? Cunt.

57.Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? I procrastinate. Like mad.

58.Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Yes.

59.Do you hate anyone? Yes.

60.Are you good at hiding your feelings? Sometimes.

61.Do you care if people talk badly about you? Sometimes.

62.One thing you’re excited for: Seeing my boyfriend.

63.Who is your celebrity crush? Dallas Green.